Ahem. Hello all. Sh-shall I what? Oh, “Shalom”, how cute. What the hey, Shalom to you too.
Thank you all so much for inviting me to your little party. It’s a lot like Christmas, though 8 days seems a bit excessive. That latke was…. interesting. No, no, I liked it. It’s just that I filled up on so much salad that I scarcely had room for another bite.
So, I’ve been looking for the proper moment to bring this up, and I figure now that we’ve finished toasting your departed Aunt Liesel, we can continue on the same vein, so to speak. Or should I say artery? Yes, it was a stroke that killed her, but I always like to start with a little dark humor.
Anyway…. heh. On a related note- eternity. Sure is long, isn’t it? Have you thought, really thought, of where you want to spend it? I realize that you mean well. If effort were all that was necessary, your crowns in Heaven would be forged of the purest gold. But I wanted to talk to you all about belief, one humble sinner to another. Have I introduced you to my friend and savior Jesus Christ?
For those of you living under a rock your whole lives and wondering who the heck I am talking about, let me tell you the good news. He died horribly. Beaten and nailed to a cross. Your people actually murdered him, but that’s water under the bridge, really. He suffered for my sins, and most importantly YOUR sins. He suffocated so that you can go to Heaven, isn’t that glorious?
What does it mean, you ask? It means you have to go through Him to get to God. Not around, not from, but straight through Jesus’s narrow path. Jesus is the only way, and His way is menorah-free.
No, no, no. It’s not important that you simply respect the principles He espoused. Only communist hippies will tell you that. They’re trying to take your money. What you’re supposed to do is to kneel as humbly as I do, and admit that you’re nasty and rotten and dirty on the inside and that your genitals are Sin Toys and that you are very very sorry for being born. Then you have to believe in Him as the savior of your errant souls.
How do I know I’m right, you ask? Well, it says so, right in the Bible. Hang on…. here it is, I keep a small King James New Testament in my purse, because, well, you never know. Hmmm. “This is my commandment, that ye love one another-“ er, wrong verse. Ah, here it is. Mark 16:16. “He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned.” There you are, plain as day. I mean, Jesus Christ (and I’m a follower of Him, so I don’t say it in vain), you can’t dispute words written thousands of years go.
What will happen if you don’t believe in Him? Did you not hear me? God will cast you out. You’ll burn in a lake of fire. You’ll forever gnash your teeth in agony while the Saved flock sits at The Shepherd’s feet, looking down upon your suffering. But He loves you. He loves you so much that He brought me here to guide you into His loving arms. And instead of just being sinners you can be Team Jesus. Like, purified Jews.
I on behalf of the On Our Knees For Jesus women’s group would like to invite you to our church’s pre-Christmas prayer meeting and bake sale. Proceeds go toward instructing young ladies on how to properly channel their developing physical urges into a life of pleasing their savior. It’s one of the most important things I as a descendent of Eve can do, to pass on blessed God-fearing loathing of my body to the next generation.
Eff off, you say? Well, I won’t rebuke you. I turn my other cheek in your general direction, even if you are rife with sin. Know that Jesus can mollify your anger. He can exorcise you of your demons. He can cure your stds. He can halt your homosexuality. There’s no end, really, to what a life of perpetual guilt can do for your soul.
Ok. I’ll be leaving now. Keep your dreidels to yourself, please. Enjoy your party. Thanks for the invite, and the latke. Just remember, Jesus loves you, even if I don’t.